Dating: RAM & "Know Quo"

     If we were to compare dating now to the old ages, it would be fair to say that it is entirely different. We could even say that we wouldn’t necessarily need to go back 200 years. I would say that the dating culture now is much different than what is was 10 years ago.

    In our class discussion, I we talked about the dating culture in our school. Everyone thought differently, but I thought that it sucked! It was quite saddening to realize that what we call “dating” now actually means hanging out without and sort of commitment. Our professor also mentioned something that resonates with me. He said, “If you fall in love, you can fall out of it too” and I could not agree with him more. On the board there were 4 steps: dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage. We were taught that we should work towards building and nurturing a relationship from the bottom instead of jumping straight to marriage without even getting to know the other person. It was here that we were introduced to the RAM (Relationship Attachment Model). The model is thanks to the book, “How to avoid falling in love with a Jerk” by John Van Epp.

    In the model there are 5 important things that are included in a relationship: Know, trust, rely, commitment, and touch. While the drawing was on the board, I thought to myself that commitment should be important, and I rated it the highest. I would say that I am confident that it was right, but I was humbled quickly. We learned the following: we must know someone more than we trust them. Trust someone more than we rely on them. Rely on someone more than commit and commit more than touch our significant other. Ideally, this is how we should progress in a relationship. Instead of  “falling” straight to marriage or engagement, we should step into each of the steps leading up to marriage.

    Another important piece of information is called the “Know Quo” (“Knowing” Quotient) also in the book by John Van Epp. It looks like the following:

                                Togetherness (Sharing experiences)

                                 Talk (mutual self-disclosure)

                              + Time (3 months to begin to know)

                            ______________________________________________

                               = Knowing another and the couple

Why are these three so important? They lead to a greater understanding of both individuals involved in the relationship. The first part is sharing experiences, where it includes going on multiple dates that vary in activities. It could be going on hikes, board games, picnics, sports, etc. When the thought in our minds is to get to know people, we will find that out by going on many different dates to understand more about ourselves and the other person. We learn about what both like to do, what one may be uncomfortable or even fearful of. When the goal is to work and nourish the relationship from the bottom, there is a lot that we can avoid in the future.

The second is to talk to one another. Let’s be honest, how much can a person learn about another person on a date if they only go to a movie? I think it would be fair to say nothing. There is not room for talking about one another and getting to know about each other’s lives. Most importantly, it is that both are as involved in talking about themselves. That is why it states it to be as “mutual self-disclosure”. The effort needs to be put forth by both.

The third is time! Of course, there are times where people may get engaged in a week or a month and then married soon after. There may be times where they are still together. Although, there also are times where due to not knowing one another as long, conflict arises in the future which can disrupt the relationship. Giving each other enough time to think about where the relationship is at and enough information about the other helps people avoid future problems. This is why I feel that the title  “How to avoid falling in love with a Jerk” is a great title.